Surreal

Hi everybody
So here is the scoop on my latest happenings. Tomorrow I have an interview with a grad student from University of Oregon in Sociology. She's doing research on trans guys for her masters and, naturally, has been in the bay area conducting her research. It should be interesting.
On Saturday I have a test for the Santa Clara Sheriffs dept. of which I applied as female with my legal name because there is no legality to my change yet and I can't afford to change my info yet at $350. As I am starting to get pretty muscular, the physical agility test prep. has been a snap and I don't anticipate any problems passing, but you never know. It's true that biological women have to work twice as hard to pass these tests. I know from personal experience trying to become a firefighter. I considered myself to be a fairly physically fit female and got wasted by the strength and speed required for the fire tests.
Understandably, no matter what your testosterone level or sex, the requirements are the same and they should be. Everyone needs to be able to perform all the tasks of the job.
So everybody knows (because some have asked) there is no advantage to myself applying as female as opposed to male. Trust me, if it was legal, I would love to avoid all this politics and apply as male even if there were an advantage. Women are always encouraged to apply to these jobs, but there is no unfair advantage or special selection for females. It's all scores. Hopefully I won't have to use the bathroom. This is going to be weird. I'm plan on changing my info by the end of the year and will have to inform them then. I have no idea how this will effect my application process, but I'm hoping they will go strictly on my ability to do the job and my dashing good looks of course. By March of next year, when the academy starts, there should be no question as to what sex I am, and all this should be much easier, I hope.
Thanks to my Leslie and Sam who said hi to me at work the other day and used "Jake". That was so cool. It was probably confusing for them because my fellow employees still call me Karen, but again, it's all politics. I thought that was rad, so thanks guys! It was funny too because both of them had to introduce me to their mother's! I hope I didn't embarrass you or you didn't have to explain anything.
Bye everyone! Jake

What the ....

So my ovaries have been knocked out and finally results....of course now I feel like Cousin It. I've been out of work for two weeks for back problems and I'm going to look like I'm on roids or something when I go back to work on Tues. and have Manvoice. Truthfully I freak myself out, but I know it's only temporary and I won't look like an overgrown 9th grader for long. How do you tell 60 plus people that you aren't who you say you are. I'm already paranoid that people know, that they are laughing at my body, wondering why anybody in their right mind would do that to themselves. I know I'm living in my head, but nothing I can say to myself comforts me, no knowledge of psychology, no amount of meditation can stop the fear that I will be left alone with no work and no family. Alone in an empty apartment writing blogs about myself, like right now. I just can't wait for time to pass as I drift slowly into this new identity and emerge as a full-grown and certifiable male. I'm learning that becoming male and becoming a man are two different things, however. My maleness is the size and strength of my body, my voice, my hair, the look in my eyes, the way I feel now when I look at my wife and she looks at me and how different she seems....smaller...not physically but her voice, how she moves, how I have to be more careful with everything. Aden's like a little stick to me and much more fragile. I think he thinks my bigger muscles are an excuse to hit me harder when we play fight, but I feel I only have to use about a quarter of my strength to hold him back whereas it use to take all my might.
Becoming a man on the other hand means becoming nicer, less selfish, braver, and determined to make a better life for your family. This is harder for me. Truthfully I'm used to being kinda bitchy and getting away with it. Blaming my problems for my irresponsible decisions doesn't seem to go over as well for men and women won't tolerate a man who doesn't take responsibility for his actions. Now seeing both sides I feel men sort of get the short end of the stick. I think TV has something to do with it. Women boss men around, make fun of them, belittle them, but the men are still men and expected to act accordingly without much respect or appreciation for doing so, and then are feminized if they act on feelings. For the time boing I will do my best to be the best man I can be and make my family proud. They're all that really matter anyways.

Tha waiting game

So now this big secret is out and time is passing, but nothing is happening. Maybe you all think I was just joking. I'm still on half a dose 100mg so I guess that's why. I won't be on a full dose for another month (200mg). After this next Fri. I'll be injecting myself so no more trips to the city. Thank goodness, but I'll have to have Dr. appointment and labs every other month for the next year to make sure they haven't fried my liver or put my cholesterol through the roof. I guess with my family history I'll have to watch what I eat now. I guess that means no more sides of bacon with cheese on top for every meal. Darn!
I can feel my voice threatening to go down a little everyday. It sort of feels like I have a frog in my throat that I can get rid of and if I try to sing or yell it sounds awful! But basically I still sound the same. I think most people think I'm a guy now until I talk, but my musically feminine voice confuses the heck out of people and I embarrass some of then which makes me feel bad for them that they are very embarrassed cause I'm not, but there's nothing I can do about it yet. Keep you posted!

2 months later and.....

nothing.....
I had my first shot of 50ml, or 1/4 average male testosterone level, on May 26, 2009. I've had 2 since then. My next shot will be July 9 of 100ml. Thus completing 2 months of treatment so far. I thought my voice may have dropped for like a week or so, but it turned out I was just sick. I was so happy I was bragging about it to everyone with my raspy undertones and it turned out to be just phlegm. Supposedly my voice will get as deep as it's gonna go in only 6 months. That's really hard for me to imagine considering what little changes I've seen. I hold out some hope that things will happen soon as this process seems to happen like a normal puberty, where shit just starts happening out of the blue. I could wake up tomorrow with a fu Manchu mustache down to my knees or go completely bald in a year. Apparently it's all in my genes. So weird and cool! I was reading all these books about how the out of control male libido would be super intense the first few weeks. I guess it's like a huge difference and like really primal feeling hard for some ftm guys to harness all that energy at first. I've been waiting for crazy monkey sex since the first shot but alas, I think all those meds have totally numbed me. I just hope it's not permanent! Anyways TMI... There are a few things happening; like stuff is much lighter and I can lift heavy things with much less effort. That's cool. I feel like I am PMSing all the time, not cool. I am way more relaxed about everyday things. No anxiety about stupid shit or dwelling on stupid shit. That is good, but it makes it harder for me to see the importance of stupid shit when some people insist on it's importance and I don't see it, like my way or the highway. That kinda is annoying for me because that probably annoys other people. I guess that's called apathy and I haven't decided it that is good or not. I think I have to find a balance here with everything and get used to new feelings being present and others gone. Time will tell.
That's all I got so far.

Vol.1 Picket Fences

Since so many of you have a lot of questions about what exactly is going on with my family and I and this "transition" into straightness, normalcy, and white picket fences. So I've decided to create this blog to give everyone close to me with a burning desire to understand what is going on here, an inside glimpse into my new existence, what's happening, and how all of us are dealing. As for myself, I blink my eyes and 5 years have gone by and hopefully it will be easier for the world to not have to think about what kind of family I have and how I fit in with theirs...or don't. Truth is, in a few years time other than you guys reading this nobody will never know how different we really are. Ah... sweet anonymity!

This is my quest to find the self I lost when when those horrifying waves of estrogen hit my body like 2 by 4's in pre-adolescence and forever changed my sense of self and my ability to identify with the world around me. I disconnected my physical body from whom I had grown up believing I was. I could be a myriad of physical anomalies chromosomal or hormonal, or a result of the experiences of my mothers stressful conditions pre-natal. Without thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of testing (not covered) I won't know. But it doesn't matter. The reality is I squirted out of the womb, a boy born born without balls, grew up as a boy, and developed into a woman.

Society and it's expectations of me as a female who is male, unknowingly and unconsciously created a mental case in me. Being so confused and so repulsed by who I was created a psychology nightmare for even the most astute professionals. Borderline personality, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, depression, insomnia, schizophrenia? Thus a cocktail of medications was prescribed to finally find the balance that numb me up just enough get by. But the truth is I was fine all along, I just have no testicles to produce the hormones I need to finally grow up and be a man and deal with life as a normal male. Now thanks to modern medicine I can buy testosterone in 100ml bottle for about $10 a month and never have to deal with all that psychological bullshit again. The answer was so simple. How can anyone function in a world where the physical being they see in the mirror and the physical being society understands completely contradicts your mind? Complicated ay?

Here are some facts as I understand them:

Gender Dysphoria:

Gender Dysphoria is a natural condition, abnormal due to its rarity (possibly one in 30,000 being affected by it). It occurs when individuals identify as being of the opposite gender to their physical sex.

This condition occurs in both sexes in roughly equal numbers and experts are virtually certain that it starts while still in the fetal state of development, in other words, one is born with the condition and it usually makes its presence felt any time after the age of two years. However, it may take great many years before an individual feels sufficiently confident and capable of self- describing the condition to another person. For that reason, it is sometimes misidentified as something that the patient has only recently diagnosed.

Associated Features:

- Separation Anxiety Disorder
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder
- Symptoms of Depression
- Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome
- Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia

So now you have an idea of what's behind my decision. So far, I already feel better and more connected to myself and those around me than I ever had. Certain emotions anxieties and fears have already almost disappeared. All I want is to be the best version of myself and to finally know myself in a way that I had never allowed before. I am confident that this decision will allow me to be the best person I can be, given the circumstances, and I hope you all can be with me on this. Please don't hesitate to ask questions, I'm totally cool with it. The remainder of this blog will be to keep everybody posted on my changes physically and mentally cause I'm sure everybody is wondering how this works, as am I! We will all learn as we go. Thank you so much for everyones ongoing support and kindness!!